This is a small list of
things girls say, to give the male population a small chance of
surviving until pensionable age. It's applicable to your wife,
girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, neighbour. It's my way of
apologising for being utterly guilty of everything about to be
mentioned.
“Oh my god it was so funny”- I'm now going to tell a story you must pretend to be vaguely interested in.
“Don't you agree?”- You haven't been listening. I know that. You know that. Do not abort mission. Simply agree.
“She's ugly”- I
know she makes me look like the back end of a bus but if I can't look like her than you cannot look at her/ talk about her/ acknowledge her exsistence.
“I'm fine”- This can of worms requires another blog post completely. However, it can normally be judged my body reaction. If said with tears- run. If said with a snap- get the hell out. If said with a shrug and a head turn- leave. If said in a nonchalant manner you may be okay. May.
“I'm on a diet”- Tell me I'm beautiful before I stuff myself senseless with cake in private and eat a soggy lettuce leaf in front of everyone else.
“I'm ugly”- Tell me I'm beautiful before I go take 10,000 pictures of myself, Tyra Banks style, smize et all.
“ I'm going to be single forever because no-one will ever love me because I'm too self involved and have a love for cats and cake that can never match the love a man can give me”.- (This may be something I only say. Regularly.)
“I never cry”- I'm a crazy emotional bitch.
“It was just so unfair”- The aforementioned actions were totally justifiable but my hormones and presence of a uterus do not allow me to see sense in a rational manner and therefore I will rant and rave for the next few hours.
“I can handle my drink”- One lambrini, two lambrini, FLOOR.
“You're funny.”- I want you. Now.
“I'm not into fashion”- The current styles make my bum look the size of a small continent.
“Yeah! *massive eyes and smile* I love that band”- I have never heard of that band in my life but I want to appear cool and would like you to buy me dinner and love me.
“How do I look?”- I know I look great, I've just spent 2 hours getting ready. I want a full debrief on how fantastic I look and NOTHING LESS.
“You look fine”- You didn't pay enough attention to my outfit and therefore I refuse to inform you of the jam stain on your shirt.
“No, I'm full!”- I'm going to go away and eat a tube of Pringles and Nutella from the jar, but I don't wish to appear a fat slob to you just yet.
“It didn't cost much”- I can't afford to eat for the next two weeks.
“Oh! I didn't get your message earlier, sorry for the late reply!”- I totally got your message. I spent one hour re-reading it, two and a half deciphering it (because 'What's the weather like?' has a thousand and one different meanings y'know) half an hour writing a really witty reply, realising my witty reply was needy and desperate and just gave up completely and cried.
“I watch sports occasionally”- I have about as much interest in watching sports as I do spooning my own eyes out.
“My hobbies? You know, reading, listening music, yoga, the usual!”- I read Glamour magazine and listen to Coldplay sing sad songs at me. I don't have any hobbies. Actually, I do. If you count googling Ryan Reynolds topless as a competitive sport then count me in.
“I don't actually like wine”- Said NO WOMAN. EVER.
“I love receiving flowers”- I'm not actually sure what to do with them once you hand them over, and they will die in two days, but thank you for the lovely gesture.
“Sorry, it's my hormones/time of the month/PMT”- I'm going to use this opportunity to be vile as hell, and you will be okay with it, and no, I'm probably not that sorry.
“She's my best friend, almost a sister”- But I will moan about her to you on a semi-regular basis.
I hope this sort of helps.
Samm. xx
