and the award for undateable goes too...

I think I’ve got to that stage where I’m just a bit too comfortable with who I am. I’ve forgotten how to pull the reigns in on the various bits of me that take that little bit longer to tolerate, let alone fall in love with. Don’t get me wrong; I’d never tell anyone to change who they are, it’s just in the competitive dating market, snorting more times than Babe the Pig is perhaps not the way forth.

I’ve also forgotten that there is this whole dating-sphere. People approach me in a club or a bar and I just don’t know how to re-act. A standard on-going joke between me and the close ones is that I snort and run, and I only wish I could say that it wasn’t true. I also wish I could blame it upon the copious amounts of wine I drink, and the alcohol content of various cider brands, cocktails, but instead, I’m just not sure what the hell you’re meant to do, and say.

When drinking, apparently, it’s not acceptable to use your mouth as a hose when something amuses you- showing the person in your company the contents of the cup of tea they’ve just made you, doesn’t make you a hot ticket. Similarly, when eating. No one likes repeat main course.

Bunny jumpers, so I’m told, aren’t cute and endearing. They are, instead, the material banner that screams “single”.

 Time to burn my collection? I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

Samm. xx

the second thing you'd only ever need to know.

so, if you've read this blog (and, like, why wouldn't you?) you'd see i've got a slight affliction with a piece of material that just keeps giving.
this my friends, is slanket.



3 words.

mother. fucking. pocket.

need i say more?

Samm. x

5 reasons it's okay to be the cliche

so, I spent saturday night awake to 3am creating a spotify playlist of 88 tragic songs. i'm convincing myself that this is fine, that this is normal. yes, freddos and chocolate waffles were harmed in the making in this tragic, but that's also fine.

sometimes, when we're single/going through a break up/ in a relationship and having a 'night off' we need to plug back into our inner soppy, sluggish selves, to be able to recharge and not be so emotionally cray.

so here are 5 reasons, decreed from me, Lord Samm.

1) fix you by coldplay was made by chris martin for me to cry at, okay? even on the fourth repeat.

2) same goes for the other 88 songs. (perfect mascara remover, save a fortune on make up wipes)

3) we need a period of time to remind ourselves of the person we were before a relationship. it's the reason someone fell in love with us in the first place. it just takes a cheeky bit of time before that can happen. waffles help this transition. honest.

4) it has to be done. right now you're all "no-one will love me again" but we both know that someone is going to find you, one day. and spend the rest of your life with you. you need this evening to be in your pants, without the judgement.

5) even your bestest of best friends get sick of the so sorry for myself act occassionly. you're still hurting? that's fine. you're meant too. just save it for yourself sometimes. be emotionally ready for yourself. this involves tears and chocolates.

6) (because 2 wasn't the real). we're not robots. we're only human. even me, who, can have a heart of stone (this shit is deep for me...) at the best of times, having a cheeky cry leads, for me anyway, to that cheeky chuckle afterwards, when you remember everything that is right about life: your friends, your job, your cat...

if not, find that something. being single isn't a punishment, it's a period of time in life. embrace it.

Samm. x

the only thing you'd ever need to know.

17 ways to fill your single life.

so us singletons are lucky. we have all this spare time that other folks use for useless, menial activities, such as being in a loving, warm, committed relationship. so how do we use it to it's full advantage? how do we take this time, and make the most of being single?
for this, I use my own life as an example. be careful now, don't get too jelly.

1. find a sitcom that makes you forget the fact you're single. something so absorbing that you pretend you are the characters. if you've got it, you know the feeling. if you don't, find the feeling, it's crucial to your health.

2. in failure of inspiration of 1, buy the miranda box set. even if 1 is succesful, still buy miranda.

3. buy belgian chocolate waffles.

4. heat said waffles in microwave. watch microwave.

5. wear the underwear that says "i care". you know, the pants that aren't for public viewing, but MY GOD are comfy as hell.

6. be the stalker you've always wanted to be (see previous blog post)

7. do not, under ANY circumstance watch romcoms. and if you must, do it in style- chocolates, slippers,  et al.

8. buy a slanket. revel in its beauty.

9. spend an evening re-creating your signature. be creative as fuck. try a new name.

10. you've reached ten, and i trust you've now bought miranda. create fruit friends.

11. clean. (this applies to everyone. jus' spreading the ocd word around).

12. find the friends you misplaced when in previous loving relationship.

13. find new ones to bitch about the fact they're so bloody loved up.

14. go on that romantic weekend break.

15. or spend saturday in bed. with wine.

16. maybe sunday too.

17. remember that all is not lost. spend any spare minutes from you're brand spanking new agenda to remember that you will find someone. or at least try your hardest to pretend.


Samm. xx

how to effectively stalk someone on facebook.

we've all been there, and if you're denying it, you're lying. any living human facebooker has partaken in the cheeky facebook stalk once, twice, or maybe everyday.
it doesn't have to even be facebook, other social networks are there, waiting for your stalking needs. twitter for instance is a favourite of some of my nearest + dearest (you know who you are.)

it's all perfectly fine. it's not weird, people are there to be stalked, honest.
think about it... you de-tag pictures of yourself all the time. maybe because the third chin popped in after a particularly heavy night out, or the stroke victim look suddenly came back into fashion for you. but you still de-tag away, in the hopes that no-one who doesn't understand your cray will never see those pictures of 'glory' and judge.
i like to think of it as a 'try before you buy', having a quick look to make sure they're single/ good looking/ no serious health issues/ triple chin pictures. it's perfectly healthy. (tell yourself this, and after a while, you do believe it. it's your new mantra, deal with it.)
it's also the worlds most amazing, time consuming thing, ever. you know that essay that's in for tomorrow? yeah, log onto facebook, see who sarah's new boyf is, judge, look at THOSE malia pictures from 2011, judge again, judge sarah, and move on with life. repeat this process, and voila, an hour later, essay is not done, but you have met so many new people. look at you go!

of course, this is all in jest. don't stalk people, it's weird.
lol jk, stop reading this and go make me proud.

Samm. x